


The Walkie-Talkie Debacle

by fiveyaaas



Series: Misuse of Resources [1]
Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Also allison hates lindsay lohan in this and that’s honestly tea, Dirty Talk, Dom/sub Undertones, Established Relationship, F/M, Humor, Light Dom/sub, Masturbation, Multi, One Shot, Phone Sex, Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot, Smut, This is almost a crack fic?, Through walkie-talkies, Underage Drinking, benkliego and alluther are side, reginald hargreeves is a petty bitch, they’re all 18, vanya has phone sex with five over walkie talkies that’s it that’s the fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-22
Updated: 2020-07-22
Packaged: 2021-03-04 23:40:30
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,667
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25434784
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fiveyaaas/pseuds/fiveyaaas
Summary: PWP. Vanya and Five have phone sex, over walkie-talkies, while Five is on a mission.
Relationships: Allison Hargreeves/Luther Hargreeves, Ben Hargreeves/Diego Hargreeves/Klaus Hargreeves, Number Five | The Boy/Vanya Hargreeves
Series: Misuse of Resources [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1842262
Comments: 15
Kudos: 181





	The Walkie-Talkie Debacle

**Author's Note:**

> This has been talked about so long in the discord, and I am so glad that it is finally done. Also, Allison having beef with Lindsay Lohan felt right. Five and Vanya are an established relationship before the beginning of this fic. All of the “Misuse of Resources” fics that will be published can be read in any order, they’re unrelated E-rated fics! The reason they’re all in the same series is just because they all share the common theme of Vanya and Five misusing their powers/ Academy resources.

“You’re fucking kidding me,” Five groaned as Reginald closed the door behind them. “A  _ stakeout?  _ Does he think we’re eight years old trying to find out if our Dad is cheating on us? Pretty soon, we’ll switch personalities with our long lost twins and live with our birth mother!”

“Hey, quick question, Five,” Ben said, an amused quirk of his lips. “Do you think every normal person’s life is just Lindsay Lohan’s in the plot of the  _ Parent Trap? _ ”

“Do not speak  _ that name, _ ” Allison snapped. “ _ I  _ deserved that role.”

“You were nine when that movie came out!” Five sputtered. 

“I’ll tell you what I  _ was _ , Number Five. I was  _ robbed. _ ”

“I think a stakeout sounds nice!” Luther says, cheerily. “I can practice driving!”

Everyone except for Five groaned. Luther, being Number One, always got to drive. Five didn’t complain because he was guaranteed the passenger seat of the van because he was the only one of them that knew basic things, like directions and which sides of the road were allowed in one way streets. Plus, he had installed a two way mobile unit radio, one that would easily connect to a small walkie talkie in Vanya’s room, safely tucked under her bed by him, wrapped up in a small box. It was one of the few instances where they could actually talk while he was on a mission, which was nice, but,  _ still _ , stakeouts were sophomoric and reflective of horrible teen movies featuring teen actors that did not have to ever do stakeouts (and Allison too, who actually did, but he felt it very necessary to note that calling Allison an actress to be, at best, a liberal use of the English language.) 

“Why can’t I drive?” Diego asked.

“You’re needed in the back of the van,” Klaus told him. Five rolled his eyes, did any of them know how to be subtle in this goddamn house?

“Are peach schnapps gross?” Ben asked. “Five, why did you not get something better?”

“You didn’t specify! Also, coincidentally, leaving a stack of cash where you got the liquor will still make people ask why an eighteen year old is stealing from a liquor store!” 

“The problem with the liquor really is that Klaus sucks at sharing,” Diego told him.

“I’d say I’m pretty talented, actually,” Klaus said, winking at Ben and Diego, and Luther made a confused face, clearly not keeping up. 

“They’re referring to the fact that Diego, Klaus, and Ben fuck, Luther,” Five told him helpfully. 

Luther opened his mouth to ask a question, but then Vanya was popping her head into the door.

“We have to do a stakeout tonight,” Five told her. “We’ll be out late.”

“Oh,” Vanya’s face flushed. “We, um, had plans tonight. For, uh. You know, uh, studying…”

“Studying your anatomy, we get it,” Klaus supplied. “And you say I’m not subtle.”

Five glared at him though, yes, Vanya could be more subtle, truly. “I’ll go to your room after the mission is over.”

“Wait!” Luther exclaimed. “You and Vanya…?”

“Am I the only one not having irresponsible sex in this house?” Allison wailed. “How am I ever going to catch up to Lindsay Lohan  _ without  _ having  irresponsible sex?”

“Um… I, um…” Luther started. 

“Luther’s a virgin,” Diego informed Allison. “You’re good.”

“Luther, how do you feel about people filming your-“

“ _ Are peach schnapps gross?” _ Ben interrupted them. “Still, none of you have told me!”

“Peach schnapps are fine, stop being a baby!” 

  
  


***

Gathering into the van for the mission was unnecessarily dramatic, as usual. Allison whined about Luther not sitting with her, and Diego offered again to drive before Klaus hit him. 

Eventually, they all got into the van. Diego, Klaus, and Ben settled into the very back seat, already passing around the peach schnapps. All three of them were useless. Allison sat in between Five and Luther, which Five felt was incredibly unnecessary when there was an entire row of seats in the middle. He, however, did not argue. 

Five told Vanya before she left to check under her bed, knowing full well that once she opened up the walkie talkies packaging he’d hear her over the radio. 

The drive to the target’s location was relatively short, and they parked in a nondescript location away from what looked like some neighborhood. Five was absolutely certain this was some sort of petty drama Reginald was engaged in and this did not have anything to do with the fate of the world. Maybe somebody had even douchier facial hair than him or a bigger monocle and he felt threatened. The only thing Five was certain of was that this mission was because Reginald was being bitchy and there would ultimately be no danger.

Allison and Luther spoke in hush voices for the next hour, only loud enough for Five to get every fourth or fifth phrase. He assumed that he could figure the context based on the amount of “think of the publicity,” “the cameras would barely get anything,” and “Lindsay Lohan will be so jealous” he could hear. He rolled his eyes at them, hoping Vanya would call on her walkie talkie.

As if summoned by Five’s thinking, he heard her voice, “Five? Over.”

Five beamed at the radio, replying, “You’re clear, over.” 

He had not noticed the whine to her voice the first time, but he heard it now. “Are you okay?”

She didn’t add “over”, but Five didn’t think it was necessary to admonish her. “Yes, we’re all good here. Probably some petty quest we’ve been sent on.”

“Number Five,” Luther snapped. Five rolled his eyes. 

“That’s g-good,” Vanya said, voice shaky. 

Five frowned. “You okay over there? You sound tense.”

“What are you wearing?”

Five’s frown deepened. It was when Klaus started cackling from the back that he figured out what was going on, and that she was absolutely okay. The way his pants tightened immediately, however, was not.

He didn’t have any shame anyways. “Same thing I always wear for missions.”

“Ew, wrong answer.” He could picture her scrunching her nose up at that.

“Uh. Well, it’s not a lie, regardless. What are you wearing?”

Allison made a discontented noise beside him. “You’re having kinky walkie-talkie sex? How long has this been going on? Luther, take note.”

Vanya’s reply came as Luther told Allison that Vanya was probably just making sure Five had on the necessary gear for the mission. 

“I’m wearing my skirt and nothing else,” Vanya’s voice was just a breath.  _ Fuck  _ whatever Allison and Luther were arguing about, Five had a much more important thing to focus on. 

“Good girl,” he said, trying to shift his legs so that he was a little less obvious. 

“Diego if you drink any more of that you’re gonna throw up,” Ben warned. 

Diego slurred, “I’m good, Six.”

Vanya whined. “Am I really a good girl?”

“Five, I swear to God if somebody picks up this conversation over the radio channel and  _ Vanya  _ has a sex scandal before me, I will rumor her to think you hate having your dick sucked,” Allison growled beside him. 

He frowned at her, telling Vanya, “You’re a  _ very  _ good girl.”

Her reply came a few seconds after he heard the loud noises of Ben and Klaus making out. The whine of her voice was both the same and  _ very  _ different from when she wasn’t included on missions. 

“What are you going to do when you get home?” 

Five grinned, even though she couldn't see it. Diego made a gagging noise in the back, yelling that peach schnapps were actually evil and nobody should ever drink them. 

“I’d lift that skirt up, take you to your desk, and bend you over,” Five told her. 

“Bend me  _ what _ ? Over.”

Five made a face as Ben yelled at Diego to get out of the van if he was going to throw up. 

“I mean, I’ll bend you over your desk. Over,” Five explained. 

The resulting moan from Vanya would have been much more delightful if Klaus hadn’t told Ben, “It feels wrong to get fucked now that Diego is sick.”

“Are you almost done with your mission, Five?” Vanya groaned, moments later. Ben had told Klaus they could just cuddle. Allison appeared to be having a brain aneurysm, making angered gestures at Luther. 

“We’ll be done soon,” Five promised. “I’ll make your wait worth it, I promise.” 

“Th-thank you. Tell me all about what you plan, please.” 

Five heard Diego slumping against Klaus and Ben. 

“You’ve been so patient,” Five started, rolling his eyes as Allison appeared to be crawling on top of Luther. “I’ll let you come immediately because you’ve been so good waiting for me.”

Vanya gasped out as Luther tried to shove Allison away and tell her that the fate of the world might lay in this mission. Five would have told him that it was most certainly not, but then Vanya asked, “Am I allowed to come now, Five?”

“Not yet, you’re going to wait for me,” he told her. “You’ve been so good waiting for me, though. I’m so proud of you.” 

Vanya made a little sob, “Please come home.”

“I will, I promise,” Five assured, then he turned to Luther. “Luther, I can assure you this mission is not important, and that Allison will gladly take your virginity if you would kindly take us home. If not, I will absolutely jump home.”

Luther started to lecture Five about the fate of the world, so Five just groaned and teleported back to Vanya’s room. 

She was laying in her bed, completely as she had advertised, and he pounced on her. 

The next day, after the recording of Vanya and Five having walkie-talkie sex had leaked and Reginald was lecturing all of them for misusing the resources of the Academy while Diego tried not to throw up, Allison screamed, “Vanya is now the talk of celebrity gossip columns! I’m never going to catch up to her  _ or  _ Lindsay Lohan!”

  
  
  
  
  



End file.
